"You could be having a wonderful day, you could be smiling, and I can look at you and still see that you’re miserable" direct quote from my boyfriend.
It accurately describes me, and I’m so grateful for him to see and realize that my depression is real. In the past ex boyfriends and my family have denied me getting help. I got faced with things such as “it’s not hard to be happy you just have to try” EXCUSE ME, but who in their right mind would want to live their lives miserable? I fucking try, I force myself to smile, I force myself to laugh just incase they really do help. “You’re making this up, depression is fake.” “You’re only doing it for attention.” You know it kills me for people who were supposed to be supportive to just make things worse. My whole life I’ve lacked the normal love and support a family should have. I would go to elementary school and get teased and bullied, come home from school and my brother would start teasing me, instead of telling him to stop my mother would join in. My self esteem is shit. I get told I’m beautiful and gorgeous all the time but I don’t see it. I guess it’s hard to when your whole life you were just made fun of for everything under the sun. Mother I’m sorry that at 14 I still didn’t have boobs instead I had my “mosquito bites” as you called them. It’s your fucking job to love and support your daughter and to help her feel beautiful with the media shoving perfect bodies down my throat. I started cutting in sixth grade, you still refused me to get help. I weighed 80 pounds and felt the need to starve myself. You still refused to believe I needed help. I would be bawling asking to see a doctor and still be refused help. By 8th grade I found drugs and alcohol, they masked problems but didn’t help. My school noticed, and did what they could by putting me in counseling. It embarrassed you to no end. But yet you still said it was made up. By the end of highschool I was drinking or using opiates nightly. My grades slipped, I skipped school often. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me with 6 girls, everyone knew but never told me due to not wanting to hurt me. Honestly it hurts more to know you kept it from me for so long. In college one day I lost all creativity, years of fine arts classes down the drain, I dropped out, I haven’t made a decent painting since. I was dating an asshole, I tried everything to please him. He controlled me, I was his project or toy, yes sir no sir. He would get blackout drunk, I watched him hold a friend at gun point, if I didn’t want to have sex it was too bad I was having it anyways, I paid for him and his friends to live in our house. I paid for his beer. I took it all, the name calling, the slaps, being told I can’t do this or can’t do that. It slowly broke me down. I was his, he could do whatever he wanted with me. He denies that holding me down and “accidentally” putting it in my ass and continuing to fuck me in my ass despite my pleas is rape. I bled for days. Throwing me through a table wasn’t abuse it was deserved. I have issues, it’s impossible for me to open up and fully trust my man. I’m so scared of being hurt or taken advantage of that every day instead of growing closer I’m pushing him away. Recently my depression is getting worse. Nightly when I go to sleep I hope I don’t wake up. I constantly think of what I could use to kill myself in my home. The only thing that is stopping me is that I know it will destroy my boyfriend. I need help, but after years of being refused it, I’m scared to get it.